Watermelon
by tempest10
Summary: When Kirk starts pestering Spock, Spock turns him into a watermelon. Everyone is VERY out-of-character. Includes watermelon, nine-volt batteries, stepladders, and references to Calvin and Hobbes. Please read and review.


"Hey, what's that?"

Spock looked at his captain, then at the device on the floor, then back at Kirk. He looked at the apparatus longer, and then gave Kirk a steady gaze. He rose from the kneeling position and wiped the dust from the front of his trousers.

Kirk waited.

Spock found some lint on his shirt.

Kirk waited longer.

Spock began to recite the _Iliad_ in his head. Crickets began to chirp.

Kirk could wait no longer. "Well, what _is_ it?"

"It's nothing you need to know about."

"What is it?"

"It's incredibly complex. Any explanation would be long and extremely boring.'

"What is it?"

"It's top secret. You can't see it."

"C'mon, tell me! Please please please please _please_!"

Spock silently walked out of the lab. Kirk followed.

"Please please please please please!"

/

Spock ate his lunch. It was quite good.

"Please please please please please!"

/

Spock brushed his teeth. He was so tired. He couldn't wait to fall asleep.

"Please please please please please!"

/

The glowing display on the bedside clock read 2AM.

"Please please please please please!"

"ALRIGHT! I'll tell you! Just let me sleep."

/

The next morning, they were in Spock's lab. Despite kicking Kirk out of his bedroom in the small hours of the morning, he was incredibly tired and incredibly grumpy.

"It looks like a cardboard box."

"It's a transmogrifier."

"It still looks like a cardboard box. How does it work?"

Something snapped. Whether from lack of sleep, aggravation, or just plain moodiness, something snapped. "I'll show you. Climb in."

Kirk clambered into the transmogrifier (which did, in fact, resemble a cardboard box) and Spock began to set the controls.

"Hey, is this gonna hurt?"

Spock looked through the available options for transmogrifying.

"Hello?"

He hit the button.

ZAP!

"What's going on?"

Spock looked up with a start as Doctor McCoy stormed into the lab. "Hello Doctor."

"Do you know what time this is?" demanded the doctor.

"8:45 AM. Everyone is supposed to be up by seven."

McCoy harrumphed. "I know that!" He paused. "It's still too early to be making this kind of racket. What in the world is going on?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing, my foot!" McCoy poked at the transmogrifier. "What's this thing?"

"Nothing."

"That's a whole lot of nothing."

"Er- yes it is."

"Where's Jim?"

"Not here."

McCoy threw up his arms. "Great! And I suppose you don't know where he is, either." Without giving Spock a chance to answer, he kept on: "You're _supposed_ to keep an eye on him! I'm too busy to mess around with him!"

Whatever had snapped in the Vulcan's mind hadn't yet been repaired. It if had, he wouldn't have said what he said next, and the whole problem might have been resolved with a minimum of muss and fuss. Unfortunately, it hadn't, and he said that seemingly innocent sentence. "Yeah? And what are you so _busy_ with anyway?"

"Well, first of all, if you haven't noticed, I'm a _doctor_! That keeps me pretty busy, as if you would know; I haven't seen you do a lick of work around here for a month! Second of all, tonight is Independence Day and I'm making dinner. Third of all, when I sent Scotty down to the planet for groceries, he forgot the watermelon! How is anyone supposed to celebrate Independence Day without watermelon?"

Spock listened patiently, and somewhat nervously, to McCoy's rant. It frightened him when the doctor got like this.

McCoy was continuing. "Anyway, how can you forget a watermelon? It's the most important part of a dinner! Anyway, you can be sure I chewed him out pretty thoroughly."

In the corner of his eye, Spock saw to his horror, the transmogrifier begin to move. _McCoy must have hit some control when he poked it!_ He worked hard not to show any sign of the panicked thoughts racing through his mind. _What do I do what do I do what do I do?!_

The doctor was oblivious to anything out of the ordinary as he continued his tirade. "So I asked him where he gets off forgetting the watermelon! He said he just forgot. My foot, he forgot! He remembered everything but the watermelon. I swear, what I'd give for a watermelon right now!" There was a pause. "Hey Spock, your thingy's moving."

McCoy was right. The transmogrifier rocked, tilted, and spat out… a watermelon.

Spock's first thought was _I thought I set that to 'monkey'!_ His second thought was _I had better get that before McCoy does._

In the split second it took to think this, he saw the glint in McCoy's eye and he knew: the doctor was going to get that watermelon and nothing was going to stop him. All this crossed his mind instantly and he knew what he had to do.

In the same instant, he leapt at the doctor and the doctor leapt at the watermelon. Yelling incoherently, he knocked McCoy down in a flying tackle. The hapless melon rolled under the table.

Spock hardly noticed what happened to the watermelon. His main attention was keeping a grip on Doctor McCoy who seemed to have gone mad. He was screaming.

"Aha! You're holding out on me! It's a conspiracy! Gimme that watermelon! Leggo!"

Spock was yelling too. "No! You'll kill him! Don't touch a hair on that watermelon's head!"

They both paused, as the absurdity of that last sentence hit them. McCoy cocked his head. "Watermelons don't have hair." He paused. "Right?"

As Spock considered the notion, his hold relaxed a bit, and then he had no time to ponder such questions as McCoy wriggled free of his grasp. He grabbed desperately at the doctor's shirt collar, but he couldn't prevent him from grabbing the watermelon.

"Hahahahahahahaha! It's mine! It's- oof!" In an instant they were scrapping on the floor, rolling around like a couple of kids. First one of them would have the watermelon, and then the other would wrench it from his grasp. The victim would squawk his indignation and dive back into the fray.

This could have gone on for who-knows-how-long if Scotty hadn't opened the door. "What the- ?"

Before he could complete the thought, he was hit by a flailing leg and yanked down into the brawl. The room was already far from silent, but it became louder as his own panicked screams added to the general cacophony.

"Hey, what's going on? Ow, let go of me! Why are you- ow! Ow! That hurts, dangit! HELP! Someone HELP!"

/

Two hours later, both Spock and McCoy were in sickbay, getting patched up by an exasperated Nurse Chapel. She shot the doctor a dirty look.

McCoy whined "He started it!"

Spock spoke up. "No, he did!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!'

She fixed both of them with a glare. "I don't care who started it. I care about two senior officers brawling in a lab over a watermelon. Now hold still." She dabbed some iodine on the doctor's cuts.

"Ow! That stings!"

The nurse ignored him and moved on to Spock, who was clutching the watermelon possessively and suspiciously eyeing McCoy. She sighed. "Alright, put down the watermelon so I can fix your nose."

"It stopped bleeding."

"It's still broken. Anyway, it'll stain your shirt."

"I don't care."

"Spock! Give me the watermelon!"

"No!"

Thoroughly exasperated, Chapel shouted, "Just what is so important about that watermelon?"

"This watermelon is Captain Kirk!"

Silence fell. Spock could see everyone staring at him, and felt a blush rise in his cheeks. He mumbled "Well, it is."

/

The story came out. It came out in bits and pieces, but it came out. McCoy was staring at him in disbelief. "You turned our captain into a watermelon?"

The Vulcan looked almost sheepish. "Yeah"

"Well, just one thing to do now."

"What?"

"Turn him back, you dolt! Honestly, I don't know what you'd do without me."

So, the three of them trooped down to the lab, put the watermelon in the machine, Spock set the controls and pushed the button…

Nothing happened.

He pushed it again. Still nothing. He pushed it a third time. Nothing happened at all. He pressed the button over and over. Nothing whatsoever!

Conscious of the other's eyes on him, Spock fiddled with the controls. He turned the transmogrfier off and then on again. He began to panic. He told himself to calm down.

McCoy whispered to the nurse. "He's muttering. He's finally cracked."

She whispered back "Shut up."

Spock stood up. "I know what is wrong with my machine. The batteries are drained."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Well, get new ones!" He muttered to himself, "Jeez, what a brain trust."

Spock licked his lips nervously. "The transmogrifier uses nine-volt batteries. I used the last ones on board and we can't get any new ones for at least another month."

"Great. Just fantastic." McCoy was shaking his head. "What a great way to plan ahead."

"Er, I may have something." Both men turned to look at the nurse. "I know all the smoke detectors on board use nine-volts. Couldn't you use the batteries out of some of them?"

They stared at her. She bit her lip. "What? Is it a bad idea?'

/

"Okay," she grumbled. "The question is, is _this_ a bad idea?"

"Okay Spock, hand me that screwdriver. No, not that one, the other one! Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an electrician."

"I only have two hands! You want me to hold this ladder, don't you?"

"It can stand up by itself. It's a ladder."

"It says to have someone hold it. It also says not to go past that step."

"What step?"

"The one two steps under where you're standing."

"They just put that there for liability. They don't want to get sued."

Chapel sighed. "The answer, by the way, is yes." She raised her voice. "I think that they put that there so you don't kill yourself."

"Nah, it's perfectly safe. Now give me that screwdriver, Spock!"

There was a crash, a shout, and a crunching sound. Chapel didn't even turn around.

"Alright, we got the battery! How many to go?"

"Three more, Doctor."

"Piece of cake! Get that ladder, willya?"

"Carry it yourself."

/

Three batteries, a broken ladder, and several bruises later, the three were again in Spock's lab. The batteries had been installed, and everyone had their fingers crossed. Spock pushed the button.

ZAP!

"Hey, what happened? It's dark in here!"

McCoy and Spock exchanged relieved grins.

"Hello? Can anyone here me?"

"Should we let him out?" asked McCoy.

"Well, he's less trouble like this."

Chapel rolled her eyes and let Kirk out. He was, understandably, a little disoriented. "What happened? Why is there mold on my uniform?"

She glared at the two other men. 'I'm sure Spock and McCoy will explain everything. Right?"

Before they could say anything, there was a scream from outside the door. The foursome rushed to see what was going on. It was bedlam with people running every which way. Kirk grabbed an ashen-faced redshirt. "What's going on?"

"Someone messed up the smoke alarms! The whole deck's on fire!"

As they ran to help, McCoy whispered to Spock, "This is all your fault."

FIN


End file.
